Random Thought: A Thankful Heart

Lover of my soul

even unto death

with my every breath I will love you

"Even Unto Death" by Audrey Assad

When I graduated high school and left for undergrad, I was 18 years old and determined to make something of myself. I packed all my bags and left New Jersey (my home state) and moved to North Carolina. I honestly thought that if I worked hard, I would truly accomplished something and I could do it all on my own. I don't know why I thought that when my family was and is always behind me, helping me, and sacrificing themselves for me. Maybe I was tired of being completely dependent on them and wanted to be independent. I wanted to do my own things and win life on my own terms.

driving to Boston Harbour

Go your own way and live life at your terms

In undergrad, I was involved in scholastic organizations, I was a full time student, and a member of the cross country team, I worked at the library, I babysat and I worked at a retail store. I was determined to be financially independent and handled my own shit. What I didn't realized at the time was that my taste for expensive things such as a private undergrad school was too much for what I could afford. I struggled so much. There were days/weeks I survived on ramen or nothing at all because I didn't want to ask for help. I survived and graduated. But I was still determined to do things on my own.

Boston Trip 2019

Never regret any decisions you've made because at one time, you wanted to do those things

I got into law school and packed my bags to go to Florida. I was so happy to be in Florida and to study at the law school that I wanted to study at. After going to a Catholic undergrad, I knew that I wanted the same experience for my law school career. I moved to Florida and quickly realized that if I was going to survive on my own, I needed an income even though we were advised that being a law student was a full time job but I didn't listen and got myself a retail job because I was determine not to eat ramen again. The retail job helped me a lot and I got to meet a lot of interesting people. But with the demands of law school, I could not work full time nor every weekend. By the grace of God, I survived and graduated law school. Then the real world set in. I needed a full time job income and I could not afford summer rent, food, and Bar prep courses on my own with a 8 hours per week job. Again, not wanting to ask anyone that actually love me for help, I took out a bank loan and survived on it. Then summer ended, I could not find another job to supplement my income; I could not even get hired as a housekeeper or cashier because I had "too much" experience!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You can do anything but you cannot do EVERYTHING

After I graduated law school, I struggled financially to make ends meet. My family came through and help me out. I was deeply upset with myself, my circumstance, and life in general for not accomplishing my goal of financial independence. I hated it to the core. I still hate it. I was so stuck on my own selfishness and self inflicted depression that I failed to appreciate all the blessings that was around me. I was healthy, I lived and did everything I wanted, and I have a good family.

wrinkle romper day

 Sometimes we need to fall and lose everything so that we learn to appreciate all that we have

I left Florida, depressed as F*ck and unemployed. I moved in with my family in North Carolina and through a relationship that I thought would not last past law school, I was able to find employment. It funny how things work out. I was able to slowly make an income. I stayed depressed for about 2 1/2 years. I literally went to work, ate, ran and stayed in my room. I did that for 2 years straight until I was given a chance to travel to Europe (France and Belgium) for the first time in 2015. That experience was a blessing but I did not have a good time due to the company I was with in France but I came back determined to get out my funk. I contacted an old associate from undergrad who was still in town and I started to get out of my room more. I started going back to Church and running local 5ks around North Carolina. My depression was starting to ease up but it was still there. It's hard to explain. It's like a dark cloud that was crowding everything I do. If I had a bad day, it was like I had a bad life. I could not take things lightly; when anger came, it stayed for a while even after the issue had passed. Through it all, my family was great. They provided me shelter, food, transportation and space without expectation or complaints. They just accepted me as I was. As always, I didn't tell anyone what was happening internally except a co-worker who became a friend and would later become my best-friend.

sometimes distance teach us what we need

Subconsciously, I knew I needed a change of environment. I don't know why or what made me decide this but I needed to be away from everything. With the help of my siblings, an old supervisor from undergrad and my then friend who is now my best-friend, I was able to move to London, England for 14 months. The change of environment was good for me. I didn't know at the time when I booked my flight and housing that I had family in London who lived near my apartment. My family in London was amazing; they gave me space and fed me a lot of great food and loved me. I don't think I was a good family member to them but I'm forever thankful for their hospitality. Life in London was not easy or perfect but I needed it. I had a good time. I lived. I learned. I dreamt again. I struggled with depression; I had one bad night. It was awful but there was a tomorrow. On my dark days, I stated this to myself: Feelings are not FACTS. I started to open up to my siblings. Not all of them but I was completely honest to two of them. It was crucial for my healing. This trend continue even after I left London.

Summer selfie

I know for sure love saved me and it's here to save us all
-Maya Angelou

I came back to the U.S stronger internally. I was so thankful for my blessings and my family. I was regretful for all the dumb stuff that I had done/said/felt negatively towards my loved ones. I realized that my stupidity led me to a path that created chaos in my own life. The distance away allowed me to end some dead end friendships; give up on trying to make things work with people who didn't want anything to do with me and move on.

Everything will works itself out



I set goals: to be there for my family, hang out with my sisters more, speak up when the dark cloud came, to run more, go out more and enjoy this beautiful life. Take chances and stay faithful to God through my words and DEEDS.

Nothing is impossible with God

What's the purpose of this long post? This long post is my thank you letter to my loved ones.

To my best-friend. To my former supervisor who remembered me and wrote that recommendation letter. To a classmate who recommended a job to me. To my family who fed me, protected me, supported me financially, and loved me even when I was unkind to myself and others. I'm thankful for each and everyone of you. Thank you for existing.

I'm thankful to my Lord Jesus Christ for my life. It has not been an easy life but it has been a beautiful one.

God is love. The greatest act of love was the one displayed on the Cross. I'm thankful and grateful for that act and the sacrificial love that has been shown to me.

~xoxo